Words – Like a Spike Through my Heart.

Spike

In the midst of a rage one day, with his large hand at my throat, pinning me against a wall, it wasn’t the physical blows that provided a lasting hurt, but the words he was to spit at me. It seems a silly insult, a playground type jibe, something to brush off. Coming from the man I thought of as Dad, it hurt deeply, the man who should protect you, keep you from harm and insults, and see you as beautiful no matter your looks.

I have no clue what had started the whole incident but there I was, pinned by Larry’s hand, held by my throat against the wall. He had his face close to mine and was raging at me. He was to end the rage with, “You fucking ugly, big-nosed b*****d!”, and walked away.

He may as well have hit me in the face with a sledge hammer or put a spike through my heart; such was the force with which those words hit me. At that moment, I felt as though something within me died. In the light of other things that had been said to me it seems so trivial and childish, but to me they were devastating. Already becoming conscious of my prominent nose, there had been a couple of comments such as ‘Concord’ and ‘Pinocchio’ at school to confirm this. However, to have my supposed father use the words he did, cemented in my mind the fact that I was ‘a fucking ugly big nosed b*****d.’

I think that it was from this point that I started to see Larry in different light. The fact that he had used such a childish remark to insult me somehow changed my view of him. I had lost any respect for him and started to see him for the weak and selfish person he was. I no longer expected or wanted anything from him. He was, however, still large and feared and I still had to toe the line or suffer the consequences.

His words had a lasting effect on me. I certainly wasn’t unattractive and looking back, although my nose was large but not excessively so, I instantly became incredibly conscious of it. I would cover my face with my hand when talking to people as I felt that this was when they would notice it, especially if I smiled or laughed. I avoided photographs and would walk with my head forwards so that my hair would hang down like curtains at the sides of my face and screen the offending protrusion. These actions would become habit and persisted for many years, along with the effects on my confidence and self-esteem.

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