There but for the Grace of God..

Nervous
He could have killed me, of that I am fully aware, but for the Grace of God, my life could easily have ended on one particular day….

Larry was raining blows down on me again and again, at any part of me he could get to and shouting as he grabbed at me to try to keep me still, “You thieving little b*****d, you can’t f*****g help yourself can you, you greedy, thieving little b*****d!” all the time continuing to use his full force with each blow of the bat, hitting my head over and over. It was like I was in some nightmare, being attacked by some monster and desperately trying to fend off the blows. I didn’t know what else to do, what was going on. I didn’t have time to try cry or question, only to scream and use my arms and legs to try to ward of the blows to my head and body. Dazed, I felt that my head would explode, that one more blow and my head would split open and my brains erupt all over the room.  Larry was getting more enraged and carried on shouting out the same things, accusing me, but I had no idea what of, not that any of this was really registering at the time. I tried to escape but he would grab me by my clothes with one hand and continue hitting me with the bat with the other

…..I was on the floor, trying to prop myself up, dazed, confused, scared, crying and hurting all over. I still didn’t know what had happened and was petrified it would start again. Julie came over to help me up but Larry shouted at her to “Leave the thieving little b*****d where she is,” followed by the all too familiar; ‘adopted little b*****d, ungrateful, what can we expect, the way her mother was,’ etc speech that I was so used to hearing, so much so that it almost failed to register any more.

Physically, the wounds of that day remained for weeks but the psychological impact has always remained and can never be erased. I had already lost respect for Larry but this beating bought about something deeper. It changed something within me and whilst beaten down in one respect, it triggered something, sowed the seeds of survival, a need to live and get through it all. My head was heavy and ached for weeks, my scalp tender to touch and brushing my hair made me wince and yelp. I had bruises everywhere, especially my forearms, that had taken many of the blows intended for my head and body.  As it was the start of the summer holidays there wasn’t a need to keep me away from school until the bruising disappeared. The bruises would eventually fade and the aches and pains would resolve but I continued to shake inside, nervous with an anxiety that simmered within me for many years to come.

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8 thoughts on “There but for the Grace of God..

  1. So sorry you had to go through such terror and pain. I hope he was arrested for the abuse he caused on you. You are a very strong courageous and inspiring woman. Hugs and blessings to you always and forever. ❤

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    1. Thank you for the kind words and thoughts. It all happened a long time ago and on the whole I can take the good from my upbringing. I have to tell the dark pieces as part of my story and I know that some people may find them difficult. Please be assured that I am more than OK, I don’t in any way feel sorry for myself and have much to look back on with a lot of laughter and enduring love. x

      Liked by 2 people

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